o shit
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
