o shit
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076