O Wise One….
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
No one:
London landlords:
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE