O Wise One….
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?