Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
The median voter
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
But I really needed water water water
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.