OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.