OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Mapping America’s Far Right
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts