Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does laundry happen to good people?

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day