Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old gods are rising again.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

reminder

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.