Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?