Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body