Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Ape together strong

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me: