Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

live, laugh, laundry.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

accurate

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

I hope Alan is OK

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.