Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

live, laugh, laundry.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*