[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.