[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.