@Beatweek

Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.

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@stuzario

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

@GrahamKritzer

Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@ClichedOut

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.