Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

No chill.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*