Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

and now we wait

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”