Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.