Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want