Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

men are simple creatures

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Coffee for people with no kids

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual