Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.