Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck