Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

❄️

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*