OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If only
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David