My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.