Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.