Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs