Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.