Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Imma just leave this here…………

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”