Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”