Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

White parent Vs Arab parents

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying