Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Why do meteors always land in craters?

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems