Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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absolute chaos
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.