Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Mapping America’s Far Right

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

More like Kate Missington.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Have a lovely day 😊

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN