Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?