Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Just grow your own
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.