Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.