Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.