Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
You Might Also Like
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.