Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.


You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!


I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.


Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?


[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*


Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don’t know what “DNR” means.


Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?