Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
This is my emotional support knife.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.