@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

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@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

@peterjames48

You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@Darlainky

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

@Brianhopecomedy

Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don’t know what “DNR” means.

@jessokfine

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?