“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL