Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Finally!

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Noted.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.