Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.