Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

when revenge coincides with naptime

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito