Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.