Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

You can’t rush stupid.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

The Birdles

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.