Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

🤣🤣

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down