Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?