Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying