[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My life in a nutshell
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me