Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them