Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Printer ink is expensive

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*