Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Growing out my freckles.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.