Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one