Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
podcasts
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.