Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…