@kashanacauley

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

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@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@allthenachos

An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

@Jandalize

Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.

@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

@FeelingEuphoric

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection