Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?