Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection