Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

OH. COME. ON.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Found the job I’m suited for

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter