@liv_thatsme

Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.

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@AnniemuMary

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@girlnarly

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

@grannythings

Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?

Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…

Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?

Me: I do not

@NapVeg

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way