Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
finally found a reasonable question
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better