Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Succinctly put.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Hamburger Hinderer.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.