OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
💀💀
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he