Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-