Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.