Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside