Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The Onion called it…again.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it