Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.