Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Good news

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

True

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.