a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.