Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.