Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.