Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

March 16

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel